Take that diabetes!

Yesterday, somewhere above Antarctica I celebrated my diaversary, the day I was diagnosed with diabetes.  11 years ago my life took on new meaning. At the time I had no idea why or how. I was stunned, shocked and miserable. I can honestly say that 11 years later I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

My life didn’t take a turn for the better just because of diabetes, at diagnosis my marriage was also undergoing serious strain. Diabetes forced me to get real about what was and wasn’t working in my life. Anything that contributed to stress had to go.

I didn’t heal all at once, rather it happened in stages. I started by changing my diet, eating more whole foods, ditching leftovers, eating more consistently. I added Ayurvedic regimes like daily self massage, herbal tonics, sipping hot water throughout the day and making sure I was heading to bed before 10 pm. I added daily meditation and pranayama to my yoga practice, activities, like flower mandala creation, long morning walks and time to reflect. I had a space in my house where I built an altar. A place to remind myself to be grateful each and every day for life and all its gifts.

775596_10151960092936410_1378509028_o

Eventually my marriage ended and my son moved to Melbourne and it was time to sell our family home. That’s when I packed up and moved to Goa. At that point just two years post diagnosis I didn’t know that I was living with type 1 diabetes, I still thought it was type 2, or some sort of mistake. All the health practitioners I went to see insisted it couldn’t be diabetes. So I went to India hoping for respite, or even a cure.

The cure came after I met my husband, John and as I mentioned in a previous post when I discovered the profound teachings of Atma Vidya, Self-Knowledge. Being given the gift of seeing beyond my condition and circumstances as an individual changed my life permanently. It was the turning point for every single moment in my life where I had tried to lay blame. Like the idea that I had brought diabetes on myself, that there was something that I had done wrong to ‘get’ this disease either real or imagined.

Goa Shoot (10 of 18) copy

I learned that taking responsibility for every action and reaction isn’t some sort of cosmic destiny, it’s being a grown up. There is no reason ‘why’ I live with diabetes. It is what it is. It’s up to me how I live with it moving forward.

So here I am 11 years later living a life I could only have dreamed of.  So to celebrate this momentous day I say thank you. Thank you to diabetes, for my life.

See you tomorrow #NDAM #DiabetesAwarenessMonth

with great respect…

rachel

Dear Diabetes

You came like a thief in the night and stole away so much of who I thought I was but I’m not angry at you. I know it’s not your fault. Living in one in 11 people your role is complex. You attack unknowingly. You can be swift or drag out over years.
You do not discriminate. you don’t care about age, sex or race. You don’t care about the season or the time of day. You are like a fire that burns, a storm or a ground-shaking quake. You take life and yet you also engender life like no other.
When you came to me you were like a silent slow creeper, slowly choking my life giving beta cells. You were so quiet for years I didn’t even know you were there. You hid deep in my belly so I mistook you for something else. It was easy to imagine I could fix you.
IMG_4772
It took me so long to realize you were there it could have been too late. I let you wear away my nerves and eat away at my digestion… luckily your slow insipid presence was caught in time. And even though I kicked and screamed and tried to run and hide you forced me to face you head on. Tears streaming and wind on my face.
I’ve learned to lean into you, to ride you like a wild horse, to let you buck and throw but to never let go. Diabetes you are ugly, unpredictable and terrifying. Yet there is a tenderness to living with you. A faith I’ve learned to keep. A delicate balance which has engendered sensitivity, compassion, and care. A moment by moment gratitude for each breath and heartbeat.
A standing on edges of cliffs, without needing to jump or fear the precipice. A strength beyond capability. A grounded being of courage.
Diabetes you have allowed me to know courage, friendship, camaraderie and devoted surrender.
#DearDiabetes You have given me one more day.