+ acceptance, diabetes tech, FreeStyle Libre System, hypoglycemia, low blood sugar, mastering diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes, yoga mudras for Diabetes
Flying Blind
When I was little I was convinced a monster lived under my bed. Every night just after brushing my teeth and getting into my P.J’s I’d make a bee line for the bed and hide under the covers. Spending the night terrified that if I moved or breathed the monster would get me. Even though at night I was frightened for my life, I woke up every morning refreshed and unafraid. Somehow, I knew the monster could never survive the light of day.
After years of yoga, personal reflection, and trauma work I now know why I was so afraid. Having lost my mother suddenly at the age of 10, I projected the shock and fear into an external threat. As an adult and the author of my thoughts, I understand that I can only ever be the source of anything I project. The monster wasn’t separate to me, it was a part of my psyche supporting me to make sense of the incomprehensible. Mothers aren’t supposed to die and leave their 10 year old daughters.
Being with fear and uncertainty is something I deal with every day as someone who lives with type 1 diabetes. I spend my whole day managing risk. Most of the time I get it right. But every now and then I don’t.
To describe the onset of a mild low is easy. There’s the feeling of ants crawling around my middle. The rushing to the loo, the increased heart rate. A kind of hyper vigilance and anger all at the same time. But when the low is severe? With no warning? That’s something that defies words.
Last night was just like any other. We’d gone for our afternoon walk and I decided to water the plants. I’d kept my CGM in my coat pocket, so I could keep an eye on my levels. Often around sunset I dip low as my long acting insulin wears off. As my numbers were more than steady I decided to do some weed pulling. No more than 10 minutes, knowing that any kind of gardening induces a low. Still, after checking my blood sugar I was in the clear. A nice steady 5.0 mmol.
I came inside, prepared my dinner and then decided to have a shower. I took my long acting shot for the evening ( I split my dose), checked my level, it was 5.3 and hopped in the shower. I checked again when I got out and due to my CGM getting damp it read 5.6 with an upward arrow. Great, I thought to myself, I’ll check again in five minutes when the heat from the shower dissipates. On my mat, I started my evening practice. After a few poses I felt a strange tingling around my middle. Knowing that that is one of my ‘tells’ for a low, I checked my CGM, it said 5.4… I decided to cross check with my glucometer just in case.
Thank GOD I did! It said 2.9!
I freaked, checked another finger, while at the same time trying to wrack my brain as to where my glucose tabs were. Once the other finger came back with the same number I ran upstairs, realised they were downstairs and ran to them and shoved four tabs in my mouth at once. My heart rate was through the roof, I had no idea if 12 carbs was enough. Everything went into soft focus. All I could do was feel my heart rate pounding, the sweat running from every pore, the thoughts in my mind jumbling with no coherence. While John went upstairs to get his phone (in case he had to call the ambulance) I ate another glucose tab thinking 15 carbs would be better than 12. Then suggested we get the hypo kit out of the fridge, unused, not even looked at since purchase.
I tried to read the instructions to John. “What is this for? “He asks, “Just in case I pass out.” I am trying to read the instructions and stuck on number 2, which says, slowly inject the water into the vial. I’m thinking but where is the water? Do we have to get the water from the tap and put it in? John is saying there are pictures of what to do on the inside lid of the kit. I don’t understand the pictures, I don’t understand the instructions, I’m sweating profusely now. I check my CGM it’s a straight down arrow
NOT GOOD! I down another three glucose tabs so that’s 15 + 9= OMG don’t even know how much I took. Was it too much? Not enough? I can’t set my timer to make sure its been 15 minutes since I took the tabs. I can’t do anything but try and explain that we only need the hypo kit if I am unconscious. “Whatever you do John, don’t put the needle in the vial we cant waste the kit.”
We hang in the balance, check my blood sugar with the meter which is much more reliable than my CGM at this point and see it’s the same number as it was five minutes ago. Not going down. Phew, but not going up.
I start to really feel the low now. I feel faint, sick to my stomach, weird as F…ck.
And then inch by inch it creeps up. John puts away the hypo kit. I sit in a stupor. Even though my blood sugar is back up past 4mmol (that’s a normal range) my brain is not online. It’s worse than the feeling after a panic attack. I’m literally numb. All the while my only thought is why?
Why did I drop in 20 minutes from 5.4 to 2.9? I knew it had to be something to do with the long acting Insulin, somehow it had absorbed too quickly. Maybe the shower and the heat? But how much was absorbed and how long would it last. Was there a danger of going low again? This had happened just before dinner and I had to inject meal time insulin for that. Would they interact? Was eating and injecting going to endanger me again? And why didn’t I know more about this? Where are the formulas and strategies for this unexpected scenario? Why can’t our HCP help us to be prepared for these kinds of situations? They send us home with the basics. Eat, inject, treat a low with 15 carbs. That’s it? Talk about flying blind.
Once I could properly operate machinery again I sent a message to some of my allies in the DOC (diabetes online community). Their response was so immediate that I cried.
One friend mentioned that I should split my meal time dose just to be safe. Take a unit at the start of the meal and maybe another one two hours later. Another friend assured me that at 2.6 mmol 24 carbs worth of glucose tabs was the right amount to treat the low and my levels would soon stabilise. She also mentioned taking less insulin for the meal and watching every 30 minutes to see what happens. If I saw my levels spiking, then that was a sign to take more insulin. After a ton of messages back and forth, she admitted she couldn’t ‘tell’ me what to do and that I would have to trust my intuition and decide. Everybody reacts differently to every food. She reminded me that I have diabetes, it’s okay to have high levels, better to be high than low.
I decided to dose 15 minutes after the meal when I saw the upward trend and took ½ a unit less than normal. My blood sugar spiked. I survived.
It’s morning now and the sun is shining. The monster firmly back in its cage. I am in awe of the women I reached out to and their instant support. I know they have had soul crushing lows and impossible highs and just like me make it through. Without those who have gone before us, how would we know the path to tread? How would we tame the monsters under the bed?
If there is one lesson, this low has taught me it’s to reach out and keep reaching out. Ask for help. Know you are not alone. Yes, ultimately, we have to make our own decisions when it comes to how to manage our diabetes. But for every potential choice there is a person with lived experience out there willing to support you, you need only ask.
With great respect…
When I first travelled to Japan to teach I would walk into my yoga classes and see some of the students wearing masks. My translator explained that the mask was worn when someone was feeling unwell, living with a condition that required them to avoid colds and flu or as an ounce of prevention. I remember being in awe of their ability to
a. put themselves and their health first and
b. think of others
When I was diagnosed with diabetes I realised straight away how important it was not to get sick. Being sick meant uncontrollable blood sugars for a sustained period of time. Add to that the stress, trauma and tension of feeling doubly unwell.
My job as a global yoga teacher required lots of air travel so I donned a mask while flying and where it was acceptable, wore my mask in public places. When someone was sick I wouldn’t come over to visit and when my partner fell ill I would do my best to bolster my immune system and keep my distance.
When Covid hit, the directions from the government felt sensible. As there was no vaccine, no understanding of the disease and a variety of outcomes from no symptoms to loss of life, why not wear a mask to
a. protect myself and
b. help others.
I assumed that everyone felt the same way. Nine months later I have come to the realisation that people don’t.
I am living in South Africa right now. I have been here for a year. I am unable to return to Australia for many reasons. I look with envy at my friends enjoying maskless beach walks, parties with friends, their latest bookstore purchase or whatever.
I have not been shopping, partying or socialising for nine months. The few times I have gone out it’s been for doctors visits, a quick trip to an almost empty beach or a drive through the countryside where I don’t even leave the car.
People might think I’m paranoid, overreacting or have been brainwashed. I mean why not just give up and get it? Isn’t freedom and the enjoyment of life and all it has to offer more important than my personal fears? What comes to mind is that ‘people’ have never lived with Type 1 diabetes.
From the moment I was diagnosed I knew that freedom would have to be a compromise. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week tethered to medication that has no definitive outcome. Each injection could be a life or death sentence. Traumatic to say the least, living a ‘normal free’ life with diabetes is possible, but at the same time impossible.
Every outing requires careful planning, supplies, contingencies, every meal requires math skills, and a thought-out strategy. Every walk, yoga practice, garden foray requires something different. There is no room for error or spontaneity and yet you see people living with diabetes seamlessly. Why? Because they don’t talk to you about what it’s really like. And why would they? You will never understand.
Just like how you can’t understand why a person living with chronic illness might expect you to consider them when you make the choice to either maskup or be an avid antimasker.
I won’t go into details, but the details matter. When I come across a person on the path to the beach or in the forest without their mask, in a known hotspot, where I have been told the cases have risen 41% in one day… I can’t help thinking,” Wouldn’t it be smart for them to wear a mask? Or even turn around and walk away?”
Nope, guess not…instead they happily pass me by even waving and almost breathing on me, looking at me a little funny and perhaps thinking to themselves ‘brainwashed moron’. While I, the chronically compromised mask wearer, walks past in fear of my life. Not quite able to shrug off the incident because
a. I know people who’ve had Covid and
b. they’ve died!
I can rant and rave all I want, I’m still going to have people tell me, ” it’s a conspiracy, they’re denying us our freedoms, you can’t catch it in the open air. If I don’t wear a mask and you want to fine that’s your choice. Lockdowns don’t work.”
Duh? They do!
Look at Australia and New Zealand. Almost no cases, people enjoying backyard barbies, in person yoga classes, toilet paper available everywhere!
The next time you tell me it’s about freedom and my basic human rights, remember even YOU are conditioned to believe in an ‘idea’ called freedom.
Living with diabetes has taught me to let go of my ideas and instead I have learned to
a. accept what is and
b.protect this absolute precious life.
with great respect…
+ acceptance, Beyond Type 1, digestion and diabetes, Food and Diabetes, mastering diabetes, mission health, staying positive with diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes
I can’t eat that because…
I never considered myself a foodie until I changed my diet. Now, thoughts about vegan pizza don’t seem so far-fetched. Nor does any kind of pasta or polenta adventure. Every day I incorporate more foods into my diet and every day I get a handle on how my body responds.
My biggest insight so far is that what I eat isn’t the problem, it is my relationship to food that I need to unpack.
My whole life ‘food’ has been a bumpy ride.
I’ve shared before that I was my own food police as a dancer. Watching my weight was critical to how I performed. I can remember being adamant that 2 lettuce leaves were plenty for lunch. I was never anorexic or bulimic, but I definitely had a pattern of starving myself followed by enjoying butter and sugar sandwiches. Luckily this pattern of behaviour didn’t last and by the time I was in my 20’s I had visited a sensible naturopath who explained to me the importance of eating a well-balanced diet.
Yoga, meditation, breathwork and a simple vegetarian diet were my mainstay for many years. I didn’t have the best digestion, but I certainly enjoyed a wide variety of foods and I cherished growing and eating home grown vegetables and trying out new recipes.
Then things got worse.
When I was diagnosed with diabetes there wasn’t much information about the connection between type 1 diabetes and the microbiome. My endo insisted I start eating meat, my GP suggested a keto diet. When I complained that my tummy was burning, or that I was constantly moving between diarrhoea and constipation, I was told it was parasites, leaky gut, candida overgrowth, IBS, gluten intolerance and so many more ailments.
Many alternative health practitioners later, I had narrowed the corridor of foods so much that I was literally starving myself.
My mind was like a fortress. If anyone contested what I was doing. I.e. restricting my diet, I would defend myself by saying, “I can’t eat that because I’ll have to take too much insulin. I have bad digestion because of diabetes. I don’t want to go low! I have perfect control so what’s the problem?”
Now, after radically changing my diet (I’m doing a whole food plant-based vegan diet with up to 250 carbs a day) and learning how diet, exercise and insulin really work, I can see that I was in denial about my disordered eating. The package may have been different, but it was just as detrimental as those 2 lettuce leaf dancing days.
Coming out of a pattern of disordered eating is not easy. It’s easier to stress about food. Worrying about what I eat was giving me some semblance of control. Releasing the reigns has meant I’ve had to face how scary it is to try new foods, bigger doses of insulin and to trust my body.
My Diabetes Coach and I have been meeting about once a month to try and fine tune how my body responds to different types of carbs. In one of our most recent sessions he encouraged me to be more intuitive with how I dosed. If I feel like having more of a starchy meal, like with sourdough or sweet potato, or oats. Why not pre-bolus, split the dose or take 20% more insulin? I could even take less insulin on more physical days and switch up my dose of long acting insulin.
At first his suggestions felt scary. If I could just eat the same meals every day I could get the same results, right? Trying different combinations feels way scarier. Like flying a plane solo.
This is what letting go is all about, letting go of should’s, expectations, assumptions, feelings of inadequacy and doubt. All things that led to my disordered eating in the first place. ‘I should be able to control my diabetes. I won’t be able to unless I do such and such. Even if I try I’ll fail.’
I am finally understanding that knowledge is power. When we know how to resolve a problem and have the right tools, anything is possible.
I wish my endo and health team had told me that diabetes is a subject that requires in depth study. Instead I’ve gone through years of ups and downs to discover that:
- Managing overall health is tied to individual constitution; the way I learn and my emotional mental behaviours and patterns.
- Seventy percent of the immune system is in the gut. What I eat, when I eat, how I eat and my relationship with food affects EVERYTHING.
- Stress reducing activities like yoga, meditation and breath work increase my sensitivity to insulin, improve my mood and mindset.
Obviously, nothing is perfect, and living with diabetes is never going to be a walk in the park, but if I knew then what I know now. O. M. G. I could have saved myself so much headache, heartache, denial and self-harm.
Recently friends with diabetes have been contacting me and asking me how I made the transition from a low carb restrictive diet to a high carb low fat diet. We’ve had some big heart to hearts in our chats. I know first-hand how hard it is to wrap your head around eating 250 carbs a day when you’ve spent years thinking low carb was the only way to get decent management.
The main thing I share is how scared I was, how I definitely needed hand holding and how I haven’t looked back. Having the opportunity to share my experience around food has been a source of healing too. It hasn’t just healed how I approach living with diabetes its transformed how I relate to myself.
If you’d like to learn more about how to transition to a whole food plant based vegan diet with support, check out my diabetes coach, Drew Harrisberg and the books Mastering Diabetes and Fiber Fueled.
with great respect….
This post may contain affiliate links to products I trust. Please read Disclaimer for more info
+ books for diabetes management, Food and Diabetes, Gratitude and Diabetes, Insulin Resistance, staying positive with diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes
The missing piece
This post may contain affiliate links to products I trust. Please read Disclaimer for more info
When I started writing my book, Yoga for Diabetes in 2015 I knew I wanted it to be something that would be a game changer when it came to diabetes management. If I couldn’t cure my diabetes at least I could use my lifelong passion and knowledge of yoga to manage it and share those life skills with others.
I was diagnosed in 2008 but didn’t start writing the book until starting insulin therapy in 2014. I wrote the book without having fully experimented on myself. Up to that point I didn’t need insulin, in fact I was in denial about my diabetes. However, I did have a deep understanding of yoga and Ayurveda and how potent this combination is in managing any health challenge. Especially in mitigating stress, balancing the nervous system, working with mental and emotional health and overall immune resilience.
How to put insulin into the mix was my personal nemesis, and even though I offered a chapter on insulin and exercise in my book. I was an “insulavirgin.”
It was after launching my book and connecting with other Type 1’s that I popped my cherry. I decided that injecting once a day and having okay levels (my HbA1c at the time was around 7) wasn’t good enough. Why not at least try having some insulin with meals? Maybe it would make a difference?
Living with LADA ( Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults) means diabetes has been a slow progression for me. I still produce some insulin. I had a lot of anxiety around increasing my insulin use and dosage and at the same time I kept questioning myself, “why stay stuck with what I felt was an “okay” HbA1c?” Surely, I could do better.
I took the plunge with some help from Gary Scheiner, author of “Think like a Pancreas”. Gary suggested I start small and take insulin after each meal. We worked out that I’d need about one unit of insulin to cover thirty carbs and that I should start with half units. I was already on a low carb diet sticking to around thirty carbs a day, so I wouldn’t need much insulin at all. Less insulin, less risk of lows. My diet at the time consisted of eggs, green vegetables, pumpkin, carrot and avocado. I was so embarrassed to tell anyone that I only ate seven foods. I am not exaggerating S E V E N!
Being on a full insulin regime even on such a restricted diet was amazing. I was able in a year to reach my goal of having an HbA1c of 5.5. I felt like a champion. There were other days though that I felt a sense of hopelessness. Was this my diet for the rest of my life? Living on seven foods because of gastric distress and food sensitivity? Being afraid to eat for fear of low or high blood sugars? Feeling a literal fear of food?
I’m nervous to share how defeated I felt around this aspect of my diabetes management. I had authored a book all about how to bring yoga into daily life, how to find the perfect practice, how to manage stress, how to live well with diabetes and here I was stopping myself in the one area that’s the foundation for everything.
Nutrition.
When people would ask me what sort of diet I was on I’d change the subject or suggest eating for their Ayurvedic constitution, but to be honest because I couldn’t or rather wouldn’t follow my own recommendations keeping quiet was the better option.
Everybody is different, every body is unique. We eat according to taste, conditioning, circumstance, and what we feel works best for us. Whether you are low carb, keto, paleo, AIP, high carb, standard American, or Australian Diet etc. there is no one size fits all. Or so I thought.
My breaking point happened on an innocent outing to our local farm stall for some Haloumi cheese. Something I indulged in every now and then because it was low carb/high fat and isn’t Haloumi the best taste ever?
I was in my car, cheese on the passenger seat, when I saw a newborn calf still covered in afterbirth being transported in a pickup truck. The mother cow was running after the truck trying to get close to her calf. She was obviously very distressed, her body still raw from giving birth. The farm handlers seemed completely unperturbed by what they were doing. It was just a normal part of farm life. The babies were separated, fed and then sold for veal, while the mother was kept for milking. I felt my heart ripping out of my chest. It was one thing to read about animal cruelty or factory farming, it was another to witness it with my own eyes. As I drove home, I made myself a promise, even if I am afraid of going low, afraid of getting sick from foods, afraid of trying something new, I couldn’t live this double life any longer.
My will to align my lifestyle with my heart had to be my priority. It was time to step up and drop all animal products and embrace a whole food plant-based diet.
They say it takes seven different influences to make a change for the better. I think of that moment at the farm stall as number seven. I had already heard about going high carb/low fat/plant based from a fellow T1D yoga teacher, I’d seen a fellow T1D fitness and nutrition coach document his journey transitioning from keto to vegan, I’d watched several different webinars and documentaries with the founders of the Mastering Diabetes Program and I had started to struggle with my levels after almost every meal, needing more and more insulin to cover the same thirty carbs a day.
I think of the day I changed my diet as a crucial turning point in my life. Like the day I decided to move to Australia, or the decision to travel to India to meet my now beloved husband. There was a feeling in each of those moments. Something indescribable and deeply exciting.
Starting a plant-based diet hasn’t been a walk in the park, I’ve been lucky to have an expert diabetes and nutrition coach to walk me through some sinkholes and to cheer me on. I started by letting him know I was basically sensitive to every food imaginable and he started by saying “start with what you think you can tolerate.” Then when I had awful symptoms he’d commiserate and suggest they might go away as my body made the switch out of ketosis. “I believe in your metabolism, that it can kick back in and do its job. The more foods you can tolerate, the more diverse your diet, the more your body will thank you.”
Never were these words truer.
I don’t think I fully understood what he meant until I read Fiber Fueled by Dr. Will Bulsiewicz. This book is the bible for anyone wanting to go plant based. In just a few short chapters Dr. B makes the case for a diverse plant-based diet. Did you know that that out of the 400,000 plants on the planet, 300 of them are edible? And that we just eat a small percentage in our standard American diet? Or that there are 40 trillion microbes in our gut micro biome? We are more microbes than human. Did you know that these microbes feed on fiber? The more fiber we have the healthier our gut, our immune and nervous system. When we get into mono foods, or food restriction we deprive our microbes and that’s why we get gut dysbiosis. I.e. gut issues like leaky gut. He even explains how autoimmune disease and gut health are intrinsically linked.
Since going 100% plant based I’ve noticed huge changes. My thyroid levels have normalised, I’m extremely sensitive to insulin, I’m eating up to 45 different plants in a day. My tolerance of foods has improved, my digestion has improved. My little arthritic aches and pains have disappeared. Besides all the physical changes, it’s my relationship to food that has excited me most.
I am finally loving cooking and creating meals again. Exploring recipes, trying new foods, incorporating miso, seaweed, legumes and grains. Nothing in excess with no restrictions. Managing my diabetes in the mix of eating this way takes dedication. I track my food in an app, I keep tweaking my insulin to carb ratios and checking in with my coach when things start to go awry. As I learn to feel my body in this new way I’m surprised at how easy it is to have steady levels and maintain a healthy Hba1c.
It took a long time, nearly 20 years for me find the answers I so desperately needed to get well. Now that I’m here it’s like the last few moments of finishing a puzzle. There’s a sense of excitement and expectation and WOW that’s it, I finally found the missing piece!
If you’d like to find out more about Dr. B and his book you can go to his website or order the book here
With great respect…
+ acceptance, Gratitude and Diabetes, Meditation for Diabetes, Minfullness Meditation for Diabetes, self love, staying positive with diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes
The Inner Smile
Happy Solstice! Today we woke up in the dark and marvelled at Venus, Jupiter, Mars and Saturn all lined up in an ark across the dawn sky. We watched the sun rise as she blanketed the earth with her golden hues.
I built an altar to the hindu goddess Lakshmi who for me represents abundance in health. I invoked her for nourishment and as a prayer that we as a human race come out of this very challenging time with a new vision, where every human being is treated with fairness and dignity. Where we cherish the earth and its plants and animals. That we can forgive each other for our ignorance and find strength in common goals. That those of us who struggle daily with illness find acceptance and strength.
These prayers fill my heart daily. As much as I can contribute through my actions to worthy causes like supporting our local village here in South Africa to have food during this humanitarian crisis. I also find that daily offerings and prayers allow me to humble myself to what is out of my control.
This week I shared a meditation in my online yoga class which was taught to me by my mentor Alan Finger. It’s called the Inner Smile meditation and it’s a beautiful way to reset the nervous system simply by placing a smile in different parts of your body. The meditation includes relaxation in Savasana ( lying down) at the end.
Enjoy!
with great respect…
+ Breathing for Stress Management, Gratitude and Diabetes, Meditation for Diabetes, Minfullness Meditation for Diabetes, mudra for diabetes, staying positive with diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes
Matters of the Heart: a yoga sequence
Like everyone else I am grappling with the new normal. Never ending self-quarantine, Covid19, watching the US meltdown and most recently with the incredible frustration and fury of police brutality and the murder of George Floyd. “I can’t breathe!!!”
Yes, I am white and yes, I am speaking from a place of privilege and yes, I could have done more and educated myself more. As a yoga teacher, I’ve often felt it’s better not to take sides in politics. This however is an issue that cannot be justified by my vocation. I acknowledge that not saying anything is a form of racism.
Black lives matter, they more than matter. Living in South Africa for the past six months I am painfully aware of the divide between black and white, rich and poor. We do what we can, give where we can, share where we can. Anyone who shows black people anything less than dignity and respect is abhorrent and inhumane.
photo credit: Renza Scibilia
I have cried a lot over the last week. My heart breaking with the weight of our collective ignorance and lack of humanity. How can one human even hurt another in deed, word or thought? Are we not all inseparably part of creation?
I know I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings. In fact, this article by my friend Ali Psuik puts things into perspective and poses some excellent questions.
While educating myself and doing what I can during this very turbulent time, I’ve been focusing on being kind to myself and others. For me it always comes back to yoga, whether dealing with my diabetes or not, yoga affords me a moment to reflect and remember what’s good and beautiful.
This week I’ve been practicing and teaching gentle heart opening postures. If you’re feeling the need to destress, reset and transmute difficult emotions. You’ll love this 55 minute practice. The class finishes with a beautiful meditation which includes, sound, (mantra), visualisation (yantra) and gesture(mudra).
P.s This class comes from my weekly Zoom yoga room class.
Enjoy!
+ acceptance, diabetes tech, Food and Diabetes, low blood sugar, Make Diabetes Visible, my diagnosis story, self love, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes, yoga mudras for Diabetes
15 minutes I can do
I’ve been setting the timer on my phone to 15 minutes a lot lately. 15 minutes to pre-bolus, 15 minutes to wait out a hypo, 15 minutes of yoga and meditation practices no matter what.
Before I was diagnosed I absolutely hated time. I never wore a watch or even looked at my phone. Even as a kid I never wanted to learn to tell the time. Why be constrained by a limitation like that?
Everything had more validity to me when time wasn’t involved. Why does anything ever have to end? Like a yummy meal, or time with a beloved or friend, a day at the beach. Maybe my abhorrence of time has to do with losing my mother at a young age. Having to face endings for me was complicated and traumatic. Being forced to rush through something felt unnerving. As a dancer I was bound by time and timing, but it never bothered me, because the timing of the music, or the timing of the movements to the music uplifted me, reminding me that all creative endeavours are happening in the presence of timelessness. Not that I could put that into words when I was dancing. It was something that touched me and made me cry with inexplicable joy.
By the time I was nine my grandfather insisted I learn to tell the time. He bought me a Timex with a red strap. We went painstakingly through the details of the big hand and the little hand, what all the numbers meant and what each part of the day represented. My mum bought me a digital clock which rolled over numbers like cards. And then I got a clock radio, even cooler because I could wake up to music.
After I met and started traveling with my husband we would wander through international airports looking at expensive watches. He’d point out all the brands. I knew nothing about Panerai and Patek Philipe. I didn’t even know the difference between a Swatch and a Tissot. When I would badger my husband to tell me what time it was he would say, “you need a watch darling” and I’d reply, “my smartphone is good thanks.”
Then one day when I was stuck in an airport on my own, I decided to splurge. If I was going to buy a watch it would have to be the purchase of a lifetime. I decided on a gold Tissot with Roman numerals and a simple link band. I’ve only taken it off a handful of times since then. When I point at my watch to tell my husband, “it’s dinner time, lunch time, time to go, time to clean, time to ‘whatever’” he likes to chide and say, “I wish I’d never mentioned you needed a watch”.
Watches aside, time has changed my life.
Recently I’ve been navigating some soul crushing lows. Waiting for my blood sugar to come up sends me into a wild panic. What if it doesn’t come up? What if I run out of low snacks? What if…
Initially I set the timer on my phone to 15 minutes so that I would know when to check again. But when the lows are scarier, in the low 3’s (below 70 mg/dl) watching the minutes tick down is a lifeline. If I can stay focussed for just 15 minutes, I’ll be okay. If it levels out at the end of those 15 minutes I can relax. If it still goes down after those 15 minutes, I can take more glucose, dates etc and start again. As long as I can watch the clock I know eventually I’ll be back to compos mentis.
Knowing I have a tool to support me during a low blood sugar has absolutely changed everything. I have a deep-seated fear of lows. It’s why I insisted on sticking to a regimented low carb diet for 7 years. It’s why I timed every single part of my day to avoid any deviation, and I why I would restrict my social activities.
My goal for 2020 was all about opening up to life, food and freedom. It’s been interesting to be stuck in one place while I navigate this new perspective. Asking myself…what do I want to eat? What do I want to do today?
If I want to eat heaven in a bowl (a fruit smoothie bowl with crushed seeds and dates) I can. If I want to garden, go for a walk, do a strong yoga practice, I can. If I flub the ratios, don’t reduce my insulin enough or take too much, I’ll be okay.
15 minutes is easy. 15 minutes I can do.
with great respect…
+ acceptance, High Blood Sugar, hypoglycemia, low blood sugar, Make Diabetes Visible, staying positive with diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes Type 1, Yoga for Diabetes Type 2, Yoga for LADA Diabetes, yoga mudras for Diabetes
A Soul Crushing Low
It wasn’t 1.8 or 2.5. In fact, maybe in regard to numbers it wasn’t even that bad. But for me 3.3 was absolutely soul crushing.
I’ve had Diabetes for 12 years. In that time, I’ve had lows that freaked me out, inspired determination or forced me to face habits that weren’t serving me. This low, however, was different.
I felt numb, not just numb in my extremities, but numb to everything. My sole focus was watching the minutes tick over on my timer waiting for the sugar to kick in. When it didn’t it was hard to stay calm. Downing even more glucose gummies, resetting the 15-minute alarm and watching my breath were my only allies. My husband held me tightly from behind promising me my blood sugar would come up. “It always does,” he reminded me. “You got this.”
I kept thinking, “Why don’t I have a hypo kit? Why are we so far from town? What if I lose consciousness? What will my husband do? How fast will an ambulance come in lockdown?
I don’t think we talk about our lows enough. Sure, we post pictures on Instagram, express our frustration, tell each other to feel better or commiserate. In the short term it helps. It’s the aftermath that gets me. Like how today not even 24 hours later I’m feeling a subtle anxiety after eating my breakfast or how that rebound high took hours to resolve. Or my feelings about the interaction with my husband during the height of the hypo and shortly after; how hard it was to explain the feeling of being held underwater for 20 minutes, starved of glucose, mind slowing to lead and then how just like that I’m up for air, without really feeling like I’ve stopped drowning.
Photo by Taylor Leopold on Unsplash
Being determined to get it right next time doesn’t always work with so many factors at play. Are my ratios correct? Is my basal set? Was there more fat, less carbs, did the carbs spike or didn’t they? Did I wipe down the mirrors in the bathroom for a little longer than I’d planned? Did I wait too long to eat after pre-bolusing? Did I weigh that last meal correctly? Is my correction factor too low or high? Did my yoga practice make me more sensitive to Insulin today?
Even when I do everything right, it’s like dancing on a tight rope. Turning, extending one leg, teetering, lifting and falling only to land back on the same foot again. I love dancing, but not like this.
After a hypo I usually cry. This time was no different, except maybe wailing was my way of expressing my pent-up frustration in general at being quarantined. I miss my family, I miss the beach, I miss the feelings of certainty and safety. It’s awful thinking that grocery shopping is potentially life threatening or that breathing, laughing and hugging in close proximity is no longer ‘normal’. I’m heartbroken at how many people just five minutes down the road from us have no food, nor adequate shelter in which to ‘social distance’. With all these personal and not so personal things going on most days I feel at a complete loss for anything to say when everyone ‘out there’ is saying it anyway. I know I’m not alone in this.
And it’s hard not to push down feelings of guilt that I am in a beautiful place even while challenged with having a chronic illness.
Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash
I often mention in this blog how yoga is my lifeline. Yesterday was no different. Having gone super high after treating my hypo I decided to do a vigorous practice to kick start my metabolism. It wasn’t long before I felt energised, calm and rejuvenated. No matter how bad I feel physically, no matter what goes on emotionally, a simple balanced practice of posture and breathing sets me up for a good night’s sleep and a healthy mental attitude.
In particular it also helped me to put my soul crushing low into perspective. I caught it, handled it and recovered well. It’s all anyone can do.
If you’d like to join me for livestream yoga classes during isolation I’m teaching on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Entry is by donation with 50% of the proceeds going to our local village for masks, food and medical supplies. Donations can be made via www.paypal.me/yoga4diabetes
Wednesdays at 11 am US East Coast time and 5 pm South Africa Standard Time/Zurich time
With great respect…
+ 9/11, acceptance, breathing for Diabetes, Breathing for Stress Management, exercise and diabetes, Get Creative, Gratitude and Diabetes, mudra for diabetes, Tips for Yoga practice with Diabetes, Yoga for circulation, Yoga for Diabetes, Yoga warm up
Rest, restore and get creative
I don’t think anyone expected to go through what we are going through right now. Who could imagine a situation so beyond our understanding and control. I have been holding back from writing anything here on the blog mainly because I have been spending the majority of my time getting grounded and taking practical steps to be able to self-isolate for an extended period of time.
As someone living with a compromised immune system it’s important that I look after myself. This is a hard one for me. I love ‘being there’ for others. I’ve been reminding myself that ‘being there’ doesn’t have to look how I think it should look. It could be as simple as reaching out to a friend to check in or sharing a positive post, cool recipe, fun activity or what I shared yesterday on Instagram and facebook, a dance on the beach.
Because yoga is my lifeline you can absolutely assume I have stepped up my personal asana practice and am spending even more time working with breathing and meditation. Taking time out to balance mind, body and immune system is essential.
I’ve seen many yoga teachers rushing online to teach yoga. For me it’s not about joining the fray. It’s about doing things that help me to slow down, breathe and be still. I can’t teach when I’m stressed out. I learned this the hard way.
The only comparable experience was when I was in 9/11. On that day and subsequent days, I was a bundle of nerves. The shock that ran through my body was worse than any anxiety I’d ever experienced before. Instead of being able to stop, rest and restore I dove straight back into teaching. I was quaking on the inside while appearing ‘strong’ for my students. Suppressing my fear, shock and many other feelings led to a collapse which affected my immune system, my digestion, my marriage and my ability to parent. It has taken me years to recover and integrate the lessons from that time. Now that humanity is being faced with its biggest challenge yet I’ve been asking myself; how do I want to show up? How can I last the distance? How can I be a leader?
The answer:
Stop, rest, restore, get creative, take my time, dream, reach out for support. Find beauty in simplicity and make sure to play. Then when my cup runneth over teach and share.
So that’s what I’m doing. Being gentle with myself. Not pushing into anything. Not expecting anything of myself.
Just being.
For anyone wanting a little glimpse into one of my daily practices, here’s a simple joint and mobility warm-up series I shared yesterday in our facebook group.
with great respect…
+ 9/11, acceptance, books for diabetes management, climate change, digestion and diabetes, Food and Diabetes, High Blood Sugar, Insulin Resistance, low blood sugar, self love, Yoga for Diabetes
I’m back…
This post may contain affiliate links to products I trust. Please read Disclaimer for more info
My blood sugar hit 11.7 mmol today. It’s been a while. I mean a long while. Since starting Insulin in 2014 and simultaneously going low carb I’ve had excellent control. A high for me was about 9 mmol. In the last two years, even that was pretty rare.
The control I’ve had over my numbers has been directly related to a huge amount of food restriction. A.K.A living on eggs, non-starchy vegetables and avocados and olive oil for the last 6 years. When my husband would ask, “How is your dinner?” my standard reply was, “the same.” I could make breakfast, lunch or dinner in 15 minutes tops. Eating to live, and fine with that. Worth the sacrifice if it meant staying healthy.
Don’t get me wrong low carb works. It totally works. The question is… is it healthy and sustainable? I have been low carb for 6 years so it’s doable but healthy?
Healthy is having a rainbow in your diet. Healthy is as much emotional satisfaction as physical satiation. Healthy is enjoying food, being social, being able to go out and pick something off the menu without guilt or fear. Healthy is putting the meal together and then trusting that what you inject will do the job. I’m not talking eat whatever you want and cover, rather eat whole foods that please the eye and the pallet. Know you are taking in life sustaining nutrients and that your body can take it in, digest it and distribute the energy accordingly.
This is the basis of a yoga practice, absorbing prana from food, the atmosphere, anything you consume. If our own energy is scattered, stuck or overly dogmatic, we can’t absorb prana which in turn builds Ojas, the basis of our immune system.
In Ayurveda diet should be mitahari, which means balanced. Eating whole grains, legumes, fruits, vegetables etc. Everything according to your type incorporating the six tastes of sour, salty, sweet, bitter, pungent and astringent.
Before my diagnosis I was able to follow an Ayurvedic vegetarian diet ad infinitum. After diagnosis I found myself narrowing my diet according to what I felt sensitive to or what I thought wouldn’t cause a high blood sugar. Eventually I was so afraid of going low I stopped trying. I told myself I couldn’t have mung beans or quinoa because it was too confusing to dose for. I couldn’t have fruit because I would spike. My list of excuses was long. My openness and availability to try something new was zero.
In the last few years I’ve started each year with a diabetes goal. In 2018 it was braving meal time insulin (up until then I managed on a split dose of basal with severe carb restriction). In 2019 I worked on healing my gut. My 2020 goal came out of months of feeling helpless around the situation we are facing on the planet and watching two documentaries Cowspiracy and The Game Changers. Discovering that animal agriculture is one of the main contributing factors to climate change and seeing how athletes were able to maintain a vegan diet and increase their performance, made me question what I was eating and why.
To be honest wanting to go vegan was a total heart longing. I’ve never liked the feeling of eating animals (as a kid, I used to pretend to eat my pork chop and when no one was looking I’d push it into a napkin and then excuse myself and flush it down the toilet) so it made sense to stop.
The big question for me was how. How could I make the transition from keto to vegan smoothly? Was it even possible? While I was mulling over the what and how, a T1D friend sent me a PM about a new program she was on which was high carb, low fat and and how successful it had been. She suggested I try it.
I balked at the idea. Then another T1D I follow on Instagram shared his story of going from keto to vegan. His story was inspiring and confronting. I had to ask myself, what was my excuse really? Was I going to be terrified of carbs and insulin for the rest of my life? What was holding me back?
Doing some deep soul searching around these fundamental questions forced me to take stock of the times in my life where I’d faced a seemingly insurmountable hurdle. I reflected on giving birth. That was terrifying, yet I did it. I thought about how I managed during 9/11. How when I thought I couldn’t handle the shock I actually rose above it and made it through. Even after my diagnosis I was able to eventually find a way to acceptance. I also thought about the beach. Here in South Africa the water is beyond cold. Going in takes a certain kind of bravado.
That’s how I decided to approach this new and exciting chapter in my diabetes management. If I didn’t jump in, I might regret it. If I did, hopefully I’d feel refreshed and invigorated.
Five weeks on from transitioning to a plant-based diet. I’ve introduced a huge range of foods, with hardly a hitch in my digestion. The big challenge has been to experiment with insulin to carb ratios to find what works best when. I’ve also had way more highs and lows then before. I’ve had to be courageous while watching that straight down arrow on my freestyle libre. Patient when I see a spike.
My insulin needs have completely changed. I need less basal; more bolus and I am becoming more and more sensitive to insulin. I’ve also had to slowly build my daily carb intake working my way up to about 250 carbs per day. That’s been hard, but I’m getting there. I’ve also rekindled my passion for creating recipes. I’ve made hummus, nori rolls, veggie burgers. I’ve been eating heaven in a bowl for breakfast. Smoothie bowls with dates and figs, bananas and papaya. I now look forward to eating and cooking. I’m excited to try things like beets, leeks, peppers again. I feel like every meal is a party. One I get to have for myself.
The best side effect of my new diet is increased energy and decreased aches and pains. When I step on my mat I feel open, balanced and clean from the inside out. It feels like I’m back.
If you’d like to find out more about a plant based whole food diet check out this brilliant new book, Mastering Diabetes
If you’d like to have more one on one support to make the transition I highly recommend Drew Harrisberg from www.drewsdailydose.com
+ a sweet life, acceptance, Beyond Type 1, Gratitude and Diabetes, staying positive with diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes
It’s all attitude baby!
From that first moment I was given a glucometer to measure my blood sugar I thought about success and failure. In fact, I considered my diagnosis the biggest failure of my life. How could a yoga teacher, who’d dedicated her life to living in peak health, be diagnosed with diabetes? I still have moments of absolute disbelief. Like last night during my injection after dinner, I couldn’t help remembering my life before diabetes and thinking… how did I get here?
My diagnosis was a defining moment, so was my denial for the following six years. My capacity to handle my diagnosis was zero. My fight to change it was a ten. Facing my fears, taking medication and starting the process of healing my bruised ideas of who I was and how life should be, was a huge step. Luckily, I took it.
In my world every day is a gift. I see my ability to want something better, my desire to live, as a blessing. What other being in the creation has the ability to desire, to strive and to dream? Humanity has been given the gift of desire, how we use it…that’s up to us.
Living with diabetes has given me plenty of desire. Goals like a normal A1c, constant time in range, accurate use of insulin, healthy exercise, a good night’s sleep, meaningful work, a happy relationship, a place to call home. For the most part I live the life that I’ve chosen and I’m happy.
But what if I couldn’t live that life? How much have and do I take for granted? Including my ability to desire? What about the people who can’t afford their medication, don’t live a stable and comfortable life? It’s very apparent here in Africa how difficult it is to live comfortably with diabetes. Access to technology that supports blood sugar management is only available to those with money and good medical aid. Even the information about diabetes is limited. Most ignore their diabetes and hope for the best. Diabetes is not a condition one can ignore. Eventually one way or the other it gets you. Hence the 24/7 dance we do to stay in range. It’s in the moments that I forget my diabetes (which has happened) that I have to remind myself. Woman…you have diabetes…check your blood sugar!
So what is success? The wisdom teachings from the tradition of Atma Vidya (Self Knowledge) take an empowering track.
Instead of thinking of success as what you have or hope to achieve. Think of success as your capacity to handle whatever life gives you.
Based on our desire’s life will present itself in four different capacities.
- We will get precisely what we expect
- More than what we expect
- Less than what we expect
- The opposite of what we expect
Framing this through the lens of diabetes, imagine…
You decide to have pizza, you estimate the dose, and at the two- and four-hour marks BOOM you’re coasting on a perfect number. You’ve done pizza, before and aced it. You high five yourself because you got exactly what you expected.
You decide to have Pizza, you dose, then have dessert, stay up late binge-watching Netflix and you still have perfect numbers. Way more than you expected. Did your pancreas decide to work again or what?
You decide to have Pizza, dose and woops go high and have to take more insulin at the four-hour mark. The pizza wreaks havoc and for the next day or so you’re rage bolusing and fighting highs. Definitely less than you expected
You decide to have Pizza, you take a bucket load of insulin, or plan a dual wave on your pump to catch the high and for some unknown reason, the whole thing tanks before it even gets started. You’re going low, so low you crash at the restaurant, even worse, the EMT’s have to come and you wind up in the hospital. This is totally the opposite of what you expected! Worst case scenario.
The way we normally see success is in the end result. i.e. dosing goes perfectly. Success! Dosing goes even better than planned…super success. Dosing doesn’t go quite as expected. Damn, almost. Pizza night ends in disaster. What a mess!
Here’s the twist. Think of success as the attitude you take towards getting what you expect, and more than you expect. Instead of comparing a win to a loss. Take a win and see it for what it is.
Let me explain:
Having something go the way you want, isn’t personal. Yes, it may be your past experiences that enable you to dose perfectly. But what about all the factors you can’t control? The amount of cheese in the Pizza, what’s going on with your insulin sensitivity, how much stress is on board and the other 39 factors influencing your blood sugar? As much as we like to think we have the power in any given situation, we don’t. The one thing that is absolutely guaranteed is that nothing is under our control. That includes our existence. Can you claim ownership of what brought you into existence? The only thing we do know is that we exist. But what is existing? That’s a mystery.
When you get the dosing right for Pizza, did you do it? Or was it the dance between you and all the unknowns. We are always dancing with unknowns. That’s the most incredible thing about being alive. We don’t know who we are, how we got here, or what we are doing here. We’re not given a road map at birth as to the nature of who we are. We are taught how to navigate life on a relative level and more often than not we make mistakes. Life would be so much easier with instructions!
Seeing getting what you expect or more than you expect with dispassion, not getting carried away and expecting that to be the new normal builds your capacity to deal with getting less than you expected or the opposite of what you expected. It’s called equanimity. Happy regardless of the outcome. Happy isn’t elation or ecstasy. It’s acceptance.
Whatever I get, whatever life brings, the lows, the highs, the challenges, the frustrations, the blessings the amazing opportunities. They aren’t good or bad. They just are. It’s not about me. Life flows through me and the more I accept what comes without making a judgement. The greater my capacity to deal with whatever comes next.
with great respect…
+ acceptance, climate change, digestion and diabetes, exercise and diabetes, staying positive with diabetes, Stress Management for diabetes, Yoga for circulation, Yoga for Diabetes, Yoga for Diabetes Type 1, Yoga for Diabetes Type 2, Yoga for LADA Diabetes, yoga mudras for Diabetes
A yoga pose for our times
I am at a loss for words. Reading so many friends posts about the bushfires in Australia I notice that some feel guilty. Guilty that they are okay, living in relative comfort while others are suffering so much. Finding it hard to promote their 2020 offerings because who is thinking about that anyway?
I feel the same. That’s why I am grappling with “what next”. One thing I know for sure, the healing benefits of yoga, which by the way are free, work.
Breath, body, mind are free to use as we wish. Our hearts are also free. No one has taken our hearts hostage. It is the incredible outpouring of support and compassion which makes sense when nothing else does.
I’m addicted, dumbfounded and political. Addicted to following what’s happening with a crazy cartoon president. Dumbfounded by our Australian Prime minister whom I’m convinced believes he’ll be saved while the world crumbles. And yes, even though experts might try to convince me that’s it’s bad for my brand to be political and take a stand. Screw that!
I am not happy with the state of things, period!
How do I cope with frustration and feelings of helplessness? My daily yoga practice. It helps to suspend the negativity, the constant identification with the thoughts and stress. Ultimately the practice reminds me, I am not this, not that. But the one in whose presence this and that takes place. It’s not about becoming the witness. It’s about knowing that the feelings of calm and peace are the natural state of every human being. Yoga gives me this insight. Day after day.
Today I want to share with you one simple yoga pose, which has helped me in so many ways. It’s from the Yin Yoga tradition. It’s called Saddle pose and it calms the nervous system. Opens the chest facilitating better breathing and also increases circulation into the legs and feet while stimulating specific energy pathways that link to the stomach and spleen. It also opens and frees the Psoas. If you have tight or muscular thighs or knee issues, this pose might be challenging. There are variations, which I will share in the video below.
Holding this pose for 10 to 15 minutes is a game changer. I can’t even begin to describe how it has helped me in all aspects of my diabetes management. After a long hold I sleep better, digest better and just plain FEEL better.
I hope you’ll join me in this short video tutorial.
With great respect…
